Being Thainapped...

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Being kidnapped is something you can't possibly hope to avoid in this land. The sun rises, breakfast is made, and then you're kidnapped. Not in any sort of mean spirited sense of the word. It's actually difficult to phrase such an action as a kidnapping as you are often a willing participant in this bizarre trek across half of Southeast Asia. But of course you can't say no to such a request because such an a front would appear as being mildly offensive. They are after all offering to take you to some distant place which you have never been before. A free meal might be involved. Perhaps some tea? Never dare ask where you are going! You were already told about this yesterday. But no memory of such an event can be brought forward and as such, you are left confused yet calm. Nothing can possibly go wrong? "Get in..."

Ban Triam School has lost a total of three teachers over the past few months and now they will soon lose more. A goodbye party was held at a wonderful little restaurant just outside of town for two more teachers who have by now already departed us. A full spread of traditional Thai dishes were offered including the staple, rice. My co-teacher and I arrived on time which translates to being roughly thirty minutes early to find our Pa-ah (principle) already sitting at the head of the table. A conductor surveying a mighty orchestra which had yet to show up for the grand show. Yet still proud he stands at his post, prepared to lead sweeping movements and first chairs who would inevitably be lost without him.

We sat down and began to talk about the Euro Cup tournament taking place on the other side of the world. Christino Ronaldo is the next big thing right now and so all of Thailand loves both Manchester United as well as the Portuguese national team. Sunshine fans in the Land of Smiles. It only makes sense considering the miles of beaches available for tanning. This is false hope though. Any true fan of the sport could clearly see that while Ronaldo is quiet possibly one of the finest players on the planet right now, the Portuguese national team is nothing without him. I knew this but did they? Did my Pa-ah?

Shortly there after the rest of the faulty from our school arrived including the two guests of honor. Two teachers would be leaving our school the very next day and while this was a time to celebrate, I had no idea which of the 13 or 14 teachers they were. I leaned over and asked my co-teacher Moosa to solve this riddle for me, QUIETLY!!!. Not being a subtle man, he surprised me by describing the two teachers in a very discrete manor by the way they were dressed. "Sea sit necks to you. Ok? You know hu? And sea weas black. The othe teacha." Ah yes. I knew them well. Well, I knew them well enough in the sense that I knew their faces and could point them out in a police line up if requested. "It was them officer! They shot Kennedy!" I didn't know their names though. One teacher could very easily win the village beauty contest so long as she kept her mouth shut. The second she flashed a smile at the judges though the whole ship was sunk. A quick glimpse would reveal a smile containing multiple rows of teeth. Like a shark. But her personality didn't match. She was shy and quiet nearly all of the time and a simple hello was the whole of our friendship. She was a mute shark.

The second teacher - the one sitting next to me - was a racist caricature of every Asian one could imagine from 1945 America. Propaganda posters of Emperor Tojo couldn't do her justice since if my memory services me right, Emperor Tojo was bald and this young woman had long black hair. I highly doubt they're related but I suppose the possibility does exist and if so, well - I guess that makes for an interesting story then. Someone should illustrate it. Or perhaps just paint her portrait.

As it turned out, my Pa-ah didn't know what I knew about the Portuguese National team. They were due to play the Germans that night and he was so confident about their impending victory as well as their fate as Euro Cup 2008 Champions that he placed 100 baht on the table. This got the attention of the faulty and I suppose that I should have said no but I couldn't turn down a sure thing. So I placed my last 100 baht bill down on the table and the bet was made. Germany won that night 3-2 and feeling guilty over my new found wealth, I gave the money to Moosa for gas.

Following dinner, speeches were made and honors were given. It's very difficult to appear to give a rats ass when a long winded speaker is slowly melting the polar ice caps by filling the surrounding area with oh so much hot air - but this is made even more difficult when one can not understand a single word that is being spoken. Frank Black lyrics were spinning in my mind as my Pa-ah's words literally would have made for the perfect white noise maker. He was turned up to eleven.

Eventually I was asked to give a speech after the rest of the faulty gave short speeches. I pride myself on my bullshit abilities but I wondered if such skills would transfer in a foreign land. Their are of course different topics and subjects which are traditionally touched upon and avoided during such speeches and it would be important for me to know the difference. Another challenge...I don't really speak Thai. So I stumbled through what little I knew speaking about the importance of family and how I thought the school was my family. I told the two teachers about how said I was that they were leaving and how I felt that part of my family was leaving. I told them how sad I was about this but how it gave me hope that if they could make such friends in this community that they could do anything and become very successful in their new communities. Chok-dee (Best wishes/Good luck). At no point did I address them individually or mention their names. It would have been rude, I thought to mention how sad I was that Mute Shark and Lady Tojo were leaving the school. Poor taste indeed.

The evening ended and I was released from my captivity. This release is only temporary as I expect to be kidnapped at any time and at any place in the near future. It is best to keep a over night bag packed and ready. The house should be prepared to be abandoned and all things should be in order for a quick evacuation. This is standard in Thailand. This is standard for those who know they are about to be kidnapped. No guns... just a friendly smile and a meal (more than likely). Laundry will have to wait for tomorrow...unless you're kidnapped again...and again...and again...and again.